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Weird Things Stuck Up Butts

by Beth Divine 1 Feb 2018
We all like a little bit of ass action every now and then, and sometimes if there’s no one ready and willing to give it to us, we have to make a plan to sort ourselves out, don’t we? But do be warned, a little private play time can go badly wrong as all these people found out to their everlasting shame! Here’s a list of some of the weird things found up people’s butts. 

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Glass bottle: A seventy-year old farmer was found to have an entire glass bottle up his ass when he went to hospital to have it removed. On being asked what had happened he claimed that he had been pooping outside – because who doesn’t enjoy the occasional al fresco shit? – and happened to ‘fall’ onto the bottle when his walking stick suddenly gave way on him.  

Live Eel: A fifty-year old Hong Kong man went to hospital complaining of severe abdominal pains. An x-ray revealed his wriggly secret and doctors operated to save the man’s life (the fate of the eel is unknown). He later admitted that he had inserted the eel himself in an attempt to relieve his chronic constipation… The pain he felt was caused by the eel biting his colon – perhaps quite deservedly? 

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Love Egg: At least love eggs are meant to be used for sexual gratification, but this poor chap suffered his ‘blockage’ for three whole days before heading off to A&E to have it removed. When the A&E medic made a joke about waiting for the batteries to die, the patient burst into tears. Apparently, three days of constant anal vibrations were too much for him and he couldn’t take it anymore. 

Vibrator: This sex toy’s batteries had definitely died. In 1979, a man finally went to hospital to have a vibrator removed from his ass. Why is this story on the list, you may ask, surely vibrators are the most common things to be found in assholes? Well, yes, they’re not unusual, but when you learn that he had the vibrator in place for six months and that he had completed a world trip while the sex toy was up there (making his the ‘most travelled thing stuck up a butt’ – a record not to be bummed about, you might say), then you understand that his place on the list was well-earned. 

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Buzz Lightyear Figurine: The distinctive shape of Buzz deeply embedded into a rectum is not the basis of any toy story you want to read. All that can be said about this is: talk about having a friend in you… Literally. 

Aubergine: The aubergine and the peach along with liberal drops of water means sexy talk on texts and IMs. But this man was taking those emojis a little too literally when he shoved a nineteen centimeter long aubergine into his ass. It went in so deeply, and travelled further, that it landed in an awkward position in his body, causing backup and blockage to all his waste channels… 

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Mobile Phone: A lawyer in Georgia reported to hospital to have his mobile phone removed from his back passage – he claimed he’d been showering, with his phone, as we all do, and ‘slipped’ accidentally ‘butt-dialling’ himself in the most unusual way.