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Funny Words for Male Parts

by Beth Divine 2 Oct 2018

We have a long history of coming up with weird and wonderful names for our genitalia, and it has even been the subject of academic studies. The result of these studies, Jonathan Green’s Dictionary of Slang runs to three volumes, and many of the entries deal with euphemisms or nicknames for genitalia, especially that of male genitalia. Here is a closer look at a few of the best:

Dork: now widely used by children as a playground insult meaning foolish or daft person, dork actually means penis. There is a persistent rumour that ‘dork’ is the scientific name for a whale’s penis, but this is not true – the word for a whale’s penis is… ‘penis’. The change came when a man, describing an incident said, ‘I had short hair and looked like a dork.’ It is believed he meant that he looked like a penis, but the young people who read the article in which he was quoted were quick to seize on the word, making it their own to such an extent now, that some people do not realise they are calling each other a penis, assuming it to be a mild nonsense epithet.

Arbor Vitae: This rather posh euphemism for man parts literally means ‘tree of life’ which gives it pleasing authority as regards both fertility and importance, sounding almost biblical: that from which all life flows, etc. But just remember: trees can wilt, just like any other plant…

Gigglestick: No one is sure where the term gigglestick as a slang word for the penis came from, but it presumably refers to that appendage’s ability to give pleasure rather than it’s appearance causing giggles… Either way, it’s quite a fun and unthreatening way to refer to a man’s member.

The Elder Wand, Wand: the Harry Potter universe has been adopted by people all over the world, and it was quickly spotted that wands and penises can easily be metaphors for each other. There is a very satirical school of literary criticism that conflates wizardry with sexuality (there is another that conflates it with LGBT-ness – Harry is literally in a closet, he ‘comes out’, meets a massive hairy man who introduces him to a flamboyant and magical world where they wear fabulous clothes, etc), and there is much significance given to the sizes of the wands – FYI, Hagrid’s was sixteen inches long and was the largest ever made… Anyway, if your preferred partner is into the Harry Potter world, you could do worse than inviting them to join you for some wandwork and see where the evening takes you!

There are a lot of fishing metaphors applied to manly parts: rod, pole, even fish perhaps arising from the allegedly fishy smell of lady parts, as well as there being an obvious analogy between penises as rods or fish or poles, and vaginas being the ponds in which the former would like to dip.

Finally, in Italy, they believe their penises are of monumental importance: a dick pic might be sent with the tagline ‘Behold the obelisk’…