For those who like ‘normal’ sex – what is called vanilla sex
by those in the BDSM world – there is a lot of interest in sub-dom
relationships, especially around the dominant. The dom is seen as the ‘exciting’
one, having all the power and getting to boss the sub around.
To those people, the sub is rather boring – a mere cypher or a blank canvas on which the dom can wreak control. Subs, some people think, are a little bit sad: needy people who are so desperate for attention and sensation that they abdicate control over their own lives in order to attain it.
But this could not be further from the truth. In the BDSM culture, it is the subs who hold much of the power between the two. It is their fantasies that are enacted, and the dom is merely the vehicle through which the action is played out.
Think about it for a moment: let us say you are a sub who wants his or her dom to tell them exactly how to spend their afternoon. The dom has to think up a scenario for the sub to play out, monitor their roleplay, and ensure that they do exactly as they have been told; thinking up punishments or forfeits should they fail.
The sub merely has to do as they are told.
So you can see how the sub, despite seeming to have no power or agency at all, is actually the person who calls the shots in this relationship dynamic, while the dom, apparently with all the power and control, has to make sure that they scenario plays out safely and in a way that is satisfactory and pleasing to the sub.Far from being weaklings, subs are often those who have a great deal of responsibility in their jobs or home lives, so giving over control to the dom is a release and a relief to them.