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Dom Life

by Beth Divine 9 Mar 2019

Doms are dominant partners in a submissive/ dominant relationship. There is a lot of faulty representation on television and in the movies about dominants: from Fifty Shades of Grey’s Christian Grey to the stereotypical dominatrix with her thigh high boots, riding crop style whip, and skin-tight bodice/ corset, usually in a fetching shade of patent black leather or rubber.

First of all, no dom would behave in the way that Christian Grey does: his behaviour is very selfish and there is no hint of a relationship in his treatment of Anna, the protagonist. There is no discussion about what is permissible and what not; there is no introduction or discussion about safe words and get out clauses, and he basically does what he wants to do without considering Anna’s needs in any way.

The stereotypical depiction of a dominatrix as some sort of nymphomaniac Harley Quinn, out to wreak violence and devastation on anyone who does not satisfy her insatiable sexual appetite, preferably with depravity and perversions galore, is equally dangerous – not to mention misleading.

The truth is that doms can be of either gender – or even present as genderless, if that is the way the fetish strikes them. Also, a sub-dom relationship is not necessarily sexual. Now, to be clear, most of them are sexual or based in some form of sexual release – but not all of them are. A different way of phrasing it is thus: sub dom relationships are based in power and control, with the sub happily passing control over to the dom and the two working through a playbook of scenarios and role-playing games that fulfil both of their needs.

However, it is important to realise that doms are not the ones with the full power in any scenario. While the doms certainly have the superficial power – that of telling the sub what to do and when – they also have a lot of the responsibility. It is their job to make sure that the sub is safe at all times, and that they (the dom) are paying attention, listening for the utterance of the safe word.

The BDSM world is very safety conscious, and anyone who endangers their partner in pursuit of pleasure or fun will very quickly find themselves being ostracized.